Not for Malicious Conveyance

            

Sis Matilda rings up Sis Hilda

Phone ringing off the hook

Hilda never bothered to look

Settling in her gossip chair

She forgot every other care.

Picking up phone with style

Her face light up with a smile

Hi Matilda this you calling me?

Check yuh phone you can’ see?

I know it had to be you

You call to tell me ‘bout Sue?

Girl Sue is now old news

I hear some yuh can’ refuse.

Tell me wuh yuh hear now?

That Bert get butt by he cow?

Where you really living girl?

You really living in this worl’?

That news was so long ago

Could be ‘bout a month or so

So wuh juicy news you hear?

Chile doan prolong muh fear.

Easy, doan tek off yuh clothes

Shirley come into some blows

‘Pears she was pun de phone

Talking in a very endearing tone.

Tell muh wuh really happen?

She still live up in Clapham?

Yes in dah two be two house

Foolisher than a church mouse.

‘Pears Malone pass in he truck

And Shirley run out o’ luck

She din finish cook he food

De man was more than crude.

She is a foolish girl yuh know

But he din have to beat she so

‘Pears he ask she fuh he food

An’ she start playin’ she rude.

He grab two window sticks

An’ start to pour on de licks

He hit she eva which place

It was such a huge disgrace.

But Malone en a church man?

Yeah but he got a very heavy han’

To think of it I really must smile

Spare de rod and spile de chile.

But how you get dat in hey?

Malone preach dat on Sunday

Oh yes he is a lay preacher

Girl he is a interesting creature.

 

It serve she right, though

She had de phone hot fuh so

Not me an’ dat phone thing

I does cook an’ wash an’ sing.

De phone is a useful appliance

Not for malicious conveyance

I will never be caught doin’ dat

You could agree dah’s a fact.

You does really mek me laugh

Wha loss I hey gine crack in half

Wha’s dah I hear from you lip?

You doan indulge in phone gossip?

I does use this phone for business

Witness to people an’ help wid stress

I doan have time for gossips

Never from these anointed lips.

I have to agree wid you, soul

We must be about de Lord’s fold

He say we must feed he sheep

But de church like it gone to sleep.

 

She shun be gossiping on de phone

Guess she feel she did home alone

Shud a had de food ready for Malone

Hope she en got nuh broken bone.

But Matilda was he right to beat she?

My Hubert wun dare try dat wid me

He tell me once in hey I is de man

Girl in now I did done brek ‘e han.

He en mek me so he can’ hit me

Risk hitting an’ any man gine see

I, Hilda, en no body’s punching bag

I am real serious, I doan just brag.

I hear you girl an I understan’ too

But Shirley en like me or you

We doan waste time wid gossips

No never from we anointed lips.

But who she did pun de phone wid?

Wid Hilda you can take off de lid

I gine tell yuh in strictest confidence

Dis en for malicious conveyance.

Cross yuh heart and hope to die

Come on Tilda doan mek muh sigh

You eva gih me news dat I tell out?

You know Hilda could shut she mout’.

Awright den understand dis is news

Not to be open’ for public reviews

She did talkin’ to…you wun guess

Come and tell me doan gih me stress.

 

Shirley tell me in strictest confidence

My phone en for malicious conveyance

I am a very trusted confidante

Wha other people does do I just can’t.

She did talkin’ to Malone work boss

You must keep dis a secret at all cost

You can’ mean upright Belton Birch?

But all o’ dem does guh to we church.

I tell you girl de church gone sleep

Of dis news doan let me hear a peep

You is de only body dat I tell

I hope you can keep a secret well.

Matilda and Marcie

Hilda hold on think I hear a beep

This is Matilda you may speak

Marcie here; yuh got time fuh me?

Sure I always got time fuh you girlie.

De news you gih me is not true

I check it wid Shirley sister Sue

De pastor heard and investigate

I hope dis news en come too late.

Don’t worry, Marcie I only tell you

I always had doubts dat it was true

Marcie all of it is lie or only a part?

Dese days yuh can’ tek nuttin to heart.

But how de pastor get to know?

Shirley and her husband told him so

I doan understan’. What you mean?

Somebody wanted to create a scene.

You mean Shirley did not get beat?

Malone never touched she I repeat

An’ de boss man dat not true either?

All started by the same news provider.

Anybody fine out who is the gossiper?

It’s not a him for sure, ‘pears it’s a her

You can tell me, I am your frien’

An’ should I tell out dat be de end.

Awright I will tell, hope you can keep

Hope you en one to talk in your sleep

De last letters in she name is I-L-D-A

Can’ be Sis. Hilda, heard her just today.

No it is not Hilda, definitely not

So guess again and see who we’ve got

Dat’s a hard one and I do not know

But listen up, Marcie, I really must go.

Always nice hearing you call anytime

Or we can go St. John and have a lime

Just remember I had somethin’ doing

Can’t talk no more I must be going.

OK then, tell me when you fin’ out

I can trust you to shut your mout

Your phone is a useful appliance

And not for malicious conveyance.

 

  

Switched back to Hilda

Why she had to call at this very minute?

Talkin’ to her is sometimes de limit

Sorry, Hilda, for keeping you so long

But I just get a call from de church clown

No problem chile just leh we continue

‘Bout Br. Birch, hmm, dis better than stew

You were telling me ‘bout he and Shirley

Wha he do to he best frien’ is beyond me.

  

Hears a Car outside

Wait, I hear a car outside de house

It is de pastor and he church louse

How de two o’ dem get here so soon?

I was just tallkin’ to dat ole goon.

Gotta go let me see wha dey wish

De two o’ dem not my favourite dish

Call me back as soon as dey gone

I gine be hey even till after dawn.

Before I go leh me put you on yuh guard

Marcie comin’ at you real, real hard

She seh you scandalize Bro and Sis Malone

Can’ fine nuttin better to do pun you phone.

I tell she straight not de Sis Hilda I know

And wid that I tell she I have to go

Was she who call when I heard de beep

I feel she does talk even in she sleep.

A knock on the door

I hear dem knocking pun de door

I gine hear you; we will talk some more.

Matilda changes her tone

Thanks Sister Hilda nice sharing with you

I pray dat your husband get over de flu.

  

Four persons enter

Hello Pastor, Marcie, Bro and Sis Malone

I was just here ministering on de phone

Yuh know de phone is a useful appliance

I does never use it for malicious conveyance.

  

The pastor has the final word

I quite understand, Sister,  what you are saying

But I am concerned for those you are slandering,

Your phone should be used as a useful appliance

But you are using it for malicious conveyance.

 Stewart Russell © 2013