Are You a Lexophile?

 

 

Are you a lexophile?

Then stay with me a while

And if witticisms are your style

These will make you smile.

 

When fish are in schools

They sometimes take debate

And if I could catch a few right now

That would be great.

 

The professor’s continence dropped

And he felt like a clown

When he discovered his theory on earthquakes

Was on shaky ground.

 

Police was called to a nursery

Where a three-year old was resisting a rest,

He tried writing with a broken pencil

But soon realized it was pointless.

 

He broke into a song

When he couldn’t find the key,

He took his laptop for a run

To jog his memory.

 

A calendar’s days are numbered

And so are yours,

However, if you need an extension

You won’t find it in stores.

 

 

A chicken crossing the road

Is poultry in motion

And as a poet I find,

That’s an intriguing notion.

 

Don’t pay your exorcist

And you will get repossessed,

Hopefully in marriage

You’ll get a new name and a dress.

 

You’ll be stuck with your debt

If you can’t budge it,

So was the nun

Who credited her habit.

 

A bicycle cannot stand alone

Because it is two tired

And women who think like men

Are differently wired.

 

Time flies like an arrow,

Fruit flies like bananas,

A will is a dead giveaway

From deceased mamas and papas.

 

 

The dead batteries were given out

Free of charge,

The escape convict was easily found

Since he was at large.

 

A thief who stole a calendar

Got only twelve months

But for every single day

He was down in the dumps.

 

He fell in wet cement

And became a hardened criminal,

Having to chip stone thereafter

Must have been dismal.

 

Do you know the name

Of King Arthur’s roundest knight?

If you said Sir Cumference,

You are absolutely right.

 

The guy’s left side was cut off

But he is all right now.

The doctor said he had no doubt

He will manage somehow.

 

 

When the fog lifts in Los Angeles

U. C. L. A.

At such times undergraduates

Easily find their way.

 

A dentist and a manicurist

Fought tooth and nail,

Needless to say, when they finished

It was to no avail.

 

If you’ve seen one shopping centre

You’ve seen a mall,

When you get a chance to shop

Stop over at my stall.

 

She had a photographic memory

But it was never developed,

Her brain was like a dark room

She couldn’t read a book.

 

If you jump off a Paris bridge

You would be in Seine,

Somewhat like Moody River

That a balladeer blamed.

 

 

Bakers trade bread recipes

On a knead to know basis,

So, because I prefer brown nuts

It doesn’t mean I am racist.

 

A comma, I am told,

Is where a reader pauses

But Santa’s helpers

Are subordinate clauses.

 

A lot of money is tainted:

‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine,

But a kleptomaniac

Would steal a dime.

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat

Sweets are a sugary treat,

A profound thought is deep

It’s time I go and eat.

 

As I leave you, my friend,

I bid you adieu,

If your computer works

Why must you?

 

Stewart Russell © December 14, 2021