Monkey Business

 

Now, what’s this about?

It is monkey business,

These monkeys in Barbados

Won’t let farmers rest.

 

I speak from experience

As a very small farmer,

Four fruit trees in my backyard:

My mini orchard.

 

One is an apple tree

Of the golden apple sort

Just about one and a half my height

Seeing I am short.

 

A cluster of four apples

Was my continual delight,

They were growing extremely well-

Oh, what a sight!

 

From a strategic window

I kept occasional vigil

And at no time did it come to mind

This present peril.

 

My neighbour has one

That is loaded with fruit

So, I felt that my four apples were safe

From any four-legged brute.

 

Alas, just this morning

Around 8 o’clock or so,

Two nefarious primates appeared

To put on a show.

 

When they finished

Just one apple was left

And all I could wish for afterwards

Were the culprits’ death.

 

 

It was a large one

Foraging for their food

And the other along with this one

Didn’t look too good.

 

It looked kind o’ sickly

According to the wife

Thus, it didn’t seem able to participate

In the other one’s strife.

 

Something must be done

About these thieves,

Because of this morning’s invasion

I am now greatly aggrieved.

 

I had no prior reason

To complain about them

But now like the many before me

They are my problem.

 

It is a mystery though,

That they actually left one,

Maybe if the smaller one wasn’t sick

They would all be gone.

 

By the way, my friend,

I need to let all of you know

These apples were my first crop

So, this is a big blow.

 

 

Only one is left now,

What should I do with it?

To leave it on the tree will only encourage

Another planned visit.

 

They know it is still there

So, they will come back

To complete the original mission:

What facinorous rats!

 

The last I saw them

Was on my neighbour’s wall,

One of them pushed off his plant pot

And let it fall.

 

These monkeys are awful

And I am sure you agree

But I must also reluctantly confess,

They are also funny.

 

Stewart Russell © September 1, 2025

 

Funny

 

Would you defrock a Bishop

For wearing a frock?

Would you disable a croc

With a piece of crock?

 

Could we get wet with water

That was not wet

And why take your robotic snake

To the village vet?

 

Is there any correction

For a topsy-turvy world?

If so, to which insane head-shrinker

Could it be referred?

 

Funny, these questions

That I am asking you

For the lines are so blurred

Few have a clear view.

 

 

Gay is not merry

And straight means not gay

And funny as we used to know,

Has come a long way.

 

Cause funny isn’t funny

As we knew back then

And it’s no laughing matter now;

It’s a huge problem.

 

Could a lie be a lie

At the same time it’s true?

And if this could ever happen

What could we do?

 

We’d have to believe it

And doubt it at the same time

And thus, nobody would feel

We are out of our mind.

 

Funny where we are

And how far we have come

To believe the total nonsense

That once was dumb.

 

 

The brighter we get

It seems the dumber we are

And we are missing the mark,

Not narrowly but by far.

 

Do you see what I mean

By this topic funny?

Now, if it is your idea of a joke

It’s not so for me.

 

Stewart Russell © September 18, 2024

 

You Silly Sheep!

 

 

You call me a sheep?

Why, that isn’t funny,

Are you trying to tell me

I am a dummy?

 

I may be a sheep

But certainly not silly,

I’m neither a pretentious ewe

Nor a stupid billy.

 

Verses one and two

Would be my usual reply

But I want to share something

I dare not deny.

 

Call me a sheep

If that is what you wish

For currently I am a sheep

And it’s what I relish.

 

Listen to me now

And follow very carefully,

I am in fact a sheep

But I am not silly.

 

You might be one too

And choose not to admit

But I have been so made

And I will not quit.

 

My sheep knows me

Says the Lord Jesus Christ

And they follow him too,

Isn’t that nice?

 

 

 

I am one of his sheep

And I am grateful to be

And if you are not one of his,

Then you are silly.

 

The best sheep to be

Is to be a sheep of the Lord

And one that follows him

According to the Word.

 

I intreat you today

If you don’t know the Shepherd,

You are one of the silly sheep

For whom he suffered.

 

Be a wise sheep, at least,

And come unto him

For he will abundantly pardon

And cleanse you from sin.

 

Then you won’t be angry

When refer to as a sheep

For all that trust in the Shepherd

He safely keeps.

 

 

 

Oh, to be a sheep

In the chief Shepherd’s fold

Is to enjoy treasures forevermore

And blessings untold!

 

Ah, yes, a sheep for sure

But certainly not silly,

Having decided to follow Jesus

I am saved eternally.

 

Stewart Russell © February 25, 2024

 

Another All Fools’ Day

 

 

Another All Fools’ Day is here

But nothing like before

When we sent the fool further and further

Sometimes, from door to door.

 

It’s the third for the COVID virus

That some argue was a hoax

But COVID is nothing like All Fools’ Day

That we regarded as a joke.

 

I find it particularly interesting

That All Fools Day has lost its appeal

And it passes almost unnoticed

Like a long-forgotten creed.

 

Maybe the fools have also gone

And nobody gets tricked anymore

Or perhaps, we’ve become so busy

With many a daily chore.

 

Whatever the reason is,

All Fools’ Day is nothing like before,

Maybe we have become so serious

Such jokes aren’t funny anymore.

 

 

Or maybe we are all fools

And All Fools’ Day is every day,

Consequently, April 1^st is just another

In a year full of All Fools’ days.

 

Three hundred and sixty-five days

Plus, one more for a leap year,

That All Fools’ Day is every day

To me is abundantly clear.

 

You only have to look around

At the behavior of the world

And if your eyes are not dysfunctional

With me you will concur.

 

Stewart Russell © April 1, 2022    

 

An Enlightening Fall

 

 

When I heard the shout

The man had tumbled down,

I knew from ever since

That he was a clown.

 

A ball was on the roof

Some children knocked it there,

They were playing cricket

And the ball disappeared.

 

A youngster came and said

The ball was on the roof,

I told him he would get it later

And that was the gospel truth.

 

My husband had overheard

And told me of his plan,

He could not be thinking right

He had to be a foolish man.

 

‘Cause from when he was a boy

He was afraid of heights,

I said to him there and then

“You want to give me a fright?”

 

He waited till the boys were gone

And went under the cellar,

Next thing you know

I heard him take out the ladder.

 

He leaned it on the house

And up the ladder he climbed,

He paused at the very top

And then gingerly took his time.

 

He stepped off upon the roof

And my fears instantly went away,

I decided there and then

This must be his lucky day.

 

We were married for forty years

And not once had he done that,

He had an intense fear of heights

Both he and I knew that fact.

 

He threw down the ball to me

And then started his descent,

All of a sudden he slipped

And off the ladder he went.

 

 

I can’t tell whose shout was loudest

Whether his or mine,

All I know is in a split second

He was flat on his behind.

 

All of a sudden he was laughing

As if the whole thing was a joke,

I told him it wasn’t funny

And asked him, “Are You a goat?”

 

What if you had broken your neck

What would you have said?”

He replied, “I should have used my head

And listen to you, instead.”

 

I couldn’t believe what I heard

He actually admitted I was right,

That’s something he had never done

Neither morning, noon or night.

 

“But then it would be too late,”

I said, “Because you would be dead.”

It is only at this point

That I realized what I had said.

 

He looked at me incredulously

And said, “Never, never again.

To admit in death that you were right

Would surely drive me insane.”

 

Stewart Russell © November 2019