Conversation with Simpleton, My Wife

 
 

Narrator:    While lying in bed in the stillness of the night, Moron was having a rather bemused conversation with his wife, Simpleton.  They were in their second year of marital bliss.  Moron was audibly reflecting on the several things that he had learnt from his wife.

Moron:       Simplelie darling, I am grateful that you taught me how to iron and wash but when will you teach me to cook next?

Simpleton:  From where did you resurrect that matter?  I had hoped that you would not raise that issue again.

Moron:       Well I was here thinking about our conversation out on the patio this evening and I thought that since I could iron and wash, I don’t see why I should not be able to cook next.  Honey, will you teach me to cook next?

Simpleton:  Of course Sweetheart, first thing in the morning we’ll have a go at it.

Moron:       I was thinking that since we cannot get to sleep we could go and try our hand at cooking next.

Simpleton:  Cooking what?

Moron:       Cooking next.  I wonder how it tastes.  It must taste very good since you want me to learn to cook it.

Simpleton: What must taste very good?  What are you talking   about, Moron?

Moron:       Next.

Simpleton:  How do you mean next?  We are here discussing a matter and you tell me next?  You are the one who brought it back up.  How do you mean next?

Moron:       You do not understand.  I do not mean next Simpleton, I mean next.

Simpleton:  How do you mean you do not mean next, you mean next?  You take me for a simpleton, Moron?  We spent an inordinate amount of time on this matter this evening and now I am trying to get some sleep, you raise the issue again and now telling me next.

Moron:       Simplelie honey, I don’t want to rob you of your night’s rest but because of you I can iron my shirt and I can wash your skirt.  I just want to cook next.

Simpleton:  But Moron, sweetie pie, I am only too willing to teach you to cook next.  Like I told you this evening, I taught you how to iron and I taught you how to wash and I will teach you to cook next.

Moron:       But how come we were married for over a year and you now want me to learn to cook next?

Simpleton:  Because it is getting late, I am sleepy and I cannot teach you to cook now.

Moron:       But I do not want you to teach me to cook now.  First, I want you to teach me to cook next and then afterwards you could teach me to cook now.  Then I would know how to cook two things.

Simpleton:  What are you talking, Moron?  What do you mean you would know how to cook two things?

Moron:       Well I would know how to cook next and I would know how to cook now; next and now, two different things.

Simpleton:  Look the more I talk with you the more confused I am becoming.  Right now all I can say is that I would like to get some sleep tonight and I will teach you to cook sometime.

Moron:       Wow, Simplelie, that would be three things that I would learn to cook.

Simpleton:  Three things, Moron?  What are you talking about now?

Moron:       Well I would know how to cook next, I would know how to cook now and I would know how to cook sometime.  At this rate I could be a chef in no time at all.

Simpleton:  Look, just let me get to sleep tonight and I will teach you to cook tomorrow.

Moron:       I tell you, Simplelie, you are a fantastic cook.  Who taught you to cook all of these things?  Why if you could cook next and you could cook now, you could cook sometime and you could cook tomorrow, I wonder if you could cook tonight too.

Simpleton:  Now what are you getting at, Moron?

Moron:       Well it’s simple, Simpleton.  You could teach me to cook next and now sometime tomorrow but for right now you could cook tonight.

                                                                Stewart Russell © 2013