The Snore Catcher

 

 

Everybody snores

I have heard this is true

But I am not so very certain

Tell me, are you?

 

Some argue they don’t

As if they can hear themselves,

If this were possible

I could believe in elves.

 

However, hear this:

I can capture your snoring,

Of course, you’d have to trust me,

You’d have no way of knowing.

 

I tried it with my wife

And she didn’t even know

That I am the snore catcher

That captured her snore.

 

I can prove it too

If you think you need proof,

I have the evidence to show

I am telling the truth.

 

It matters not the snore

Whether high pitch or low,

It could be the recessive snore

Of the one that grows.

 

 

It could be a whisper

Or a tiger-like growl,

It could be the coo of a pigeon

Or coyote’s howl.

 

Whatever the sound

I can capture your snore

And you will have no doubt,

But won’t know for sure.

 

No longer you’ll argue

That you never snore

For I would have captured it

And you will know.

 

Tried and tested!

I am the snore catcher,

Once you give me a chance

You won’t have to bother.

 

Of course, you’d be asleep

And won’t know a thing

Just like you don’t have a clue

When you are sleeping.

 

You can give me a call

At the number below

And I will tell you exactly

Where you can go…

 

To have your snore captured

Then you’ll know for sure

That like everybody else

You also snore.

 

46 86 233

 

 

Grab your cellphone

To understand this code

And with a little commonsense

The place you will know.

 

When you get there

Call me before you sleep

And I will capture your snore

Once your sleep is deep.

 

Shallow sleep won’t work

That I can assure

For if one is having a dream

They cannot snore.

So that number again

If you are willing to trust me,

The snore catcher signing off

46 86 233.

 

Stewart Russell © March 2, 2024

 

I Do Not Snore

 

 

I know I do not snore

For sure, not when I sleep,

Does anyone hear a tree fall

In the forest deep?

 

Well, I do not snore

And this I know for sure,

My own snore would wake me up

If I used to snore.

 

I’d snore the loudest

If I used to snore

And no one else would sleep;

That is for sure.

 

That’s who I am!

When awake I am loud

So just imagine when I’m asleep,

I’d rouse any crowd.

 

No complaints so far

About any snoring,

My wife would have told me

But so far, no complaining.

 

 

So, I can say for sure

I do not snore

For besides my wife complaining,

I’d also know for sure.

 

I still hear when I sleep

After all, I am not deaf,

Noises invariably wake me up

Adding to my stress.

 

Snoring would wake me

Why, it’s another sound

That would usually wake me up

If noise is around.

 

I know I do not snore,

Certainly not when I sleep

And you can believe me on that

Even as I speak.

 

 

Not everybody snores

Though most people do,

There are not may snore-less ones

And I am one of the few.

 

You may not believe me

So, believe what you wish,

But I am telling you I do not snore;

Snoring is not my dish.

 

You can rest peacefully

Even if you snore

But I would be sure to wake up

If I used to snore.

 

Stewart Russell © May 17, 2025

 

Snoring

 

 

It can be quite annoying

I mean a dripping tap

Especially if you are trying to sleep

It can really set you back.

 

The sweetest person in my life

At nights when she’s asleep,

Her snore tells me she is alive

I find that very sweet.

 

She doesn’t want to wake me up

That’s like her for sure,

So in keeping with her temperament

She has this drip, drip snore.

 

 

Now, if you are awake

You might not get to sleep,

But if you go in before she does

That is all well and sweet.

 

It is a slow and rhythmic pulse

With a slight opening of the lips,

Occurring when she exhales

The drip is none too quick.

 

Enough of my considerate wife

Now to some other snores,

Snores of a wide variety

But I’ll mention just two more.

 

There is a snore that’s outright bass

It comes from deep, deep down,

If the floor is the wooden type

It shakes everything around.

 

Only one can sleep through this

The person who’s to blame,

He’s the one that gets to rest

While he drives everyone else insane.

 

Then there is the whistle snore

This one is like the howling wind,

It blows and blows all night through

That snore makes quite a din.

 

 

And indeed it is the wind

It stirs both pillow and sheet,

And if you lie beside that one

It will also stir your cheek.

 

This could be good on a very hot night

Like the ones we are currently having,

The pillow would be dry, that’s for sure

Since there wouldn’t be any sweating.

 

 I know I said two but I’ll give you three

I just can’t leave out this snore,

You’ll get the oilcan to oil the hinge

You’ll think it’s a squeaking door.

 

Think of the snore that’s like the wind

And then, think of the squeaking door

A drip, drip, drip of a little oil

Will stop all three of these snores.

 

Stewart Russell © September, 2023

 

More on Moron

 

 

Moron by name

Moron by nature,

When it comes to being silly

Moron is a fixture.

 

 

Moron is married

To Mrs. Moron of course

And all the trying they do

They can’t get divorce.

 

They don’t get along

But can’t get away

And they have been like this

For many a year.

 

Incident after incident

Frequent and weird,

Here is another one of them;

Don’t be scared.

 

They were all alone,

No one else was around,

They had retired to their beds

And were lying down.

 

Mr. Moron snores

But Mrs. Moron does not,

She has never heard herself;

He thinks it’s rot.

 

She set out to prove

That she does not snore,

She’s been listening attentively

More and more.

 

 

“No evidence,” she says,

“I’ve been listening a lot,

I haven’t heard a single snore

While sleeping on my cot.”

 

 

“You can’t hear well,”

Mr. Moron countered,

“So, your no evidence tells me

You’re off your rocker."

 

So, this night in question

They were both asleep,

They were so dead to the world

They couldn’t hear a peep.

 

Quietly she awoke

As not to disturb him

And there lay with her eyes open

Taking in the night’s din.

 

She checked the clock

It was half-past two,

She slept not another wink

Convinced of her view.

 

“I know I don’t snore,”

She convinced herself,

“It’s he that has the problem

Of poor mental health.”

 

The clocked alarmed

On the dot of six

And she woke up Mr. Moron

With some cuffs and kicks.

 

He slept strongly

And didn’t like to wake

So, rousing him from deep sleep

Was no cake.

 

She finally woke him

After quite a chore

And she excitedly blurted out,

“I tell you I don’t snore.”

 

 

“How did you find out?”

He sleepily responded,

“I was up all night listening,”

She angrily rebounded.

 

 

“From half-past two

I was up until six

And the only snoring I heard,

Came from your lips.”

 

  

“I know I snore,

I have no argument there

And though I’ve never heard,

I really don’t care.

 

As for you

You could not snore all you like

But please don’t wake me up

In the middle of the night.”

 

 

Mrs. Moron was annoyed

At this stupid man

And right there and then

She came up with a plan.

 

She had to convince him

That she didn’t snore

And she made a determination

He would sleep no more.

 

At least, until he admitted

That she didn’t snore

Her poor moronic husband

Would sleep no more.

 

 

Every night thereafter

He had to be awake

And she couldn’t sleep either

Until it was too late.

 

 

And since neither slept

Neither could snore

So, Mr. Moron agreed she didn’t

And they fought no more.

 

See how easy that was?

Morons are smart,

With Mr. and Mrs. Moron

It was so from the start.

 

Here is the question:

Who made the more sense?

This would be Mr. Moron of course

Ladies, take no offense.

 

Stewart Russell © July 2, 2024